As very few of you know, I have several websites that I maintain and some of them involve research and publishing every day, one of them is my village wide famous blog of offbeat news and uncommon facts (I even have a promo poster in the local post office!). Anyway, My dad phoned me today because I emailed him an article about his second cousin getting signed to play for Manchester United (a football team on trafford park or something). He was talking and mentioned that I sounded distracted, so I replied that yes, actually, I was on the blog and having trouble getting stuff down. He just hung up on me and ten minutes later I was still wondering why when mother rang me, without hesitation she suggested I eat some figs or prunes and contact my doctor. I hate my family.

Alright, today at my job, I was sitting at my stool talking to a coworked and There was no buisness so we were just chatting the whole time. well, I had to get up and bend over to pick up a bin off the floor, and my pants slipped down on my ass (they are those tight black jazz dance pants we have to wear for work) and he was staring straght at my polka-dotted panties and started rubbing himself. and when I got up, my panties bunched up, and he kept rubbing himself.
How do I know?? The manager called us into the back and showed us what the security camera had just recorded. All on tape. I was so mortified its not even funny. And it sucks, because I thought he liked me for my person, and All week, he had just been staring at my ass or tits (my manager told me about this, but couldnt prove it to me through videobecause they are sent to the man security office at closing) all the time. He got fired for sexual…something not harrassment, but something else, and for stealing stuff. I dont knw if hes getting sued, but he did get fired, and now i have more hours.

Last night I went to a mate’s place for drinks and over indulged and comaed out in their bathroom. It is pretty much a guarantee that if you coma you are going to wake up the next morning minus your eyebrows.

So early this morning I woke up on my mate’s couch (I had been dragged from the bathroom to the couch). It was still dark and the flat was quiet so I guessed they were still in town. I could feel that there was something hairy taped to my upper lip. As I was naked it didn’t take me long to realise what had happened.

My mates had stripped me naked and shaved off my pubic and armpit hair. They had rolled the hair up like a moustache and had taped it to my lip. I also had large penises and noughts and crosses drawn all over me.

When they had finished their fun they were nice enough to put a blanket over me. They were all disappointed that they weren’t there to see me wake up as I had showered by the time they got home from town. It is pretty gross to wake up with your own pubic and armpit hair taped to your face but I would think it would be grosser to touch someone else’s pubic hair.

Morale at HM Revenue and Customs is “so low that employees want punchbags, squeeze balls and aromatherapy”, the Conservatives have said.

A discussion website run by HMRC workers, which has been taken offline, contained the demands from staff.

Tory frontbencher Philip Hammond said there was a “crisis of management and leadership”, as seen in the recent loss of 25 million child benefit records.

But an HMRC spokesman refused to comment on the claims.

The website, called Disgruntled Lemmings, has now been taken offline, but the Tories have obtained cached pages of postings via Google.

‘Head massage’

On them, one member of staff lists their demands.

One is for stress balls: “A cheap idea, these could be placed on every desk within easy reach for people to squeeze away the tension after dealing with an awkward caller or a difficult piece of post.”

Another is: “A punchbag could be kept in a staff room/chillout area for those on breaks to take out their frustrations on.”

The contributor also says HMRC “could consider offering discounts for stress-relieving therapies such as Indian head massage, aromatherapy and reflexology”.

A separate visitor to the site writes: “I like the idea of ExCom [executive committee]-modelled punchbags… Imagine how much fitter we’d all be!”

It was revealed last week that two CDs containing 25 million child benefit records had gone missing after being put in the internal post by an HMRC worker.

Mr Hammond, shadow chief secretary to the Treasury, said: “Is it any wonder that such a catastrophic lapse of data security has occurred, when staff morale at HM Revenue and Customs is at rock bottom?

“There is clearly a crisis of management and leadership at HMRC which has allowed systemic failures to occur.”

An HMRC spokesman said: “It’s not our website. I’m not going to comment on a non-HMRC website.”

The following story was submitted anonymously:

My boyfriend and I were hanging out at his house one night, celebrating our 2 month anniversary. We had a nice dinner, and after that we were just relaxing on his couch and getting comfy.

Things started to heat up, and before you knew it, we were both naked and on the floor. There was a can of whip cream on the table and he suggested we have some fun with it. He sprayed me with the stuff and was just about to lick it of when his huge dog came running in.

He jumped on me and knocked my boyfriend over and started licking the whip cream off of me! Suddenly as if things werent bad enough, we heard my boyfriends parents’ car pulling up in the garage. My boyfriend threw his boxers on, and right after that, his parents walked in on us!

It must have looked so bad, it looked like i was recieving oral sex from the dog! It was a pretty bad situation, but I got out of there right after that. From that day I have never been able to look his parents in the eye!

The following story was submitted anonymously:

My fiance and I had been out one night with friends. We had been eating some spicy food and drinking a few Mickies.

We decided that it was time to head home shortly after everyone had calmed down. Once we got home, we headed straight for the bedroom. We started with a lot of kissing and feeling until we eventually got into the position where we could pleasure each other orally.

We were really starting to get into each other when I was about to orgasm. Suddenly, my fiance buried his face in me and the next thing I kew, I farted this horrible, deathly fart right in his face.

I didn’t mean to, but it happened. He jumped like a scared cat. Straight up and over. Then he stopped and looked at me and asked me if I felt better. I didn’t, because all I could think of was finding somewhere to hide. I will never forget this moment because it was sooo embarrassing!!

The following story was submitted by SavosInCity:

This happened about ten years ago. At the time I was dating a model, and she had just come from an all day photo shoot, and she was hungry, so went went to Taco Bell to get something to eat.

She was still in her outfit, and she was wearing those “dolphin” shorts that don’t leave much to the imagination. So while she was busy looking at the menu, I was standing behind her checking out what I had that everybody else wanted… and I noticed a white string hanging from her black shorts.

So me being the good guy that I am, I reached down and yanked on the string, and all of a sudden she screamed out loud and
doubled over in pain. Everybody in the place turned around and looked at me like I had hit her. It turned out that it was that time of the month, and the string was from her tampon! Talk about making an ass out of yourself in public!

If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. Thinks - a good lawyer will probably get them off (phnar phnar)

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. Why? Why? why would you be fishing or hunting? oh and is fucking ok?

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. Is the plural of moose miise?

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. How do they have sex with a permit? Do they stand on it? insert it? the possibilities are endless!

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. No Dogging for Bill then!

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. Those fucking whores are ok tho

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.But ok on the beds?

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night) Tee Hee, so they have to leave Washington to lose their virginity. There must be a lot of happy faces just outside Washington DC - lucky young men (and women) motel owners etc etc

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. Sad bastards

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.So a gun holster on her ankle is ok?

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. Blinds? (can you tell I’m running out of funny?)

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. Doh!

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. What has this to do with sex?

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. For fuck’s sake! How are you supposed not to shoot,,, oh a gun right, Well even that’s fairly difficult I would imagine unless you are soo red hot in bed that you can make her come without taking much notice thus freeing up your hands and mind to concentrate on shooting.

The following story was submitted anonymously:

I’m female 25 years old. My most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college. My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening, after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting) and went to it with a vibrator!

What I didn’t know was that my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave her key to a friend in case the friend “got lucky”. I was in the middle of my “work-out”, my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!

They stood, frozen in shock while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn’t hear or see them! After what could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously considered a transfer.

Submitted by somebody who wishes to remain anonymous (I wonder why?)

One night I went out partying with my friends, and we drank one too many Long Island Ice Teas.

The next day I woke up with the runs. I had to be at work at 7:00, but in order to beat traffic I used to like to get there an hour early. So I got up at 4:30 AM and got to work by 5:30 AM, but I had a bad case of the runs from the night before.

So when I got to work, I could turn the lights on to our suite, but the lights to the lobby and the general public didn’t turn on until 6:00 AM, and it was dark at the time. Still, I had to go and I had to go bad, so I went out into the lobby and made my way to the restroom, and I went to the very corner stall because that’s the one I usually use.

So I sat there and did my business, and I managed to get it all out…but when it came time to flush the toilet, it wouldn’t flush. So I sat there and tinkered with it a few times, but it still wouldn’t go, and that’s when I decided to get up and see what was wrong.

When my eyes got adjusted to the darkness, I noticed a four-inch hole in the floor, and a toolbox sitting right next to the toilet… that’s when I realized that the toilet was in the process of being repaired. I got the hell out of
there as quickly as I could!

When my boss came in, he asked me if I had seen anyone strange in the building, because there was one sick
person roaming around the building and security was looking for him. Of course I couldn’t say anything.

I wonder how that poor janitor must have felt once he got to work!